Six years after first putting her postpartum struggle into words, Revelstoke’s Hilary Thorpe hopes her essay in a new book helps normalize the emotional lows many women face during and after pregnancy.
Beyond Blue, published by feminist-focused Caitlin Press from Vancouver Island’s Qualicum Beach, seeks to build a community of healing and hope for mothers across B.C. and elsewhere coping with postpartum mental-health challenges.
In the anthology, released in October, Thorpe and the 25 other authors share their unique and raw experiences with postpartum depression, a mood disorder that often goes undiagnosed due to embarrassment and stigma.
“Having been in the low I was in, it does help you to connect with people who are also in low places,” said Thorpe, who’s now 45. “Anyone who’s gone through any kind of mental illness would find something to connect with in this book.”
Through the pages, she and other essayists recount struggling in their postpartum period with decision-making, battling paranoia and harmful thoughts, and questioning their very competence as parents. They also experience rage and detachment from their babies.
“The exact words ‘silent pleading’ are in this collection at least three times, which is really crazy to me,” Thorpe noted.
In her case, she recounted thinking to herself, ‘this big thing has happened to me, but I’m not allowed to talk about it.’
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Back in 2014, the Public Health Agency of Canada reported from its Canadian Maternity Experiences Survey that 7.5 per cent of women have depressive symptoms in their postpartum period.
Postpartum depression affects eight to 12 per cent of mothers, according to the Canadian Mental Health Association’s British Columbia chapter, and contrary to the term “postpartum,” 10 to 16 per cent of women impacted by the disorder actually start experiencing symptoms earlier while pregnant.
“If left untreated, this depression can last for months or even years after the baby is born,” the association writes. “It’s true that it’s normal for many new mothers to feel a bit down after childbirth, but if these ‘baby blues’ last more than two weeks and affect your ability to take care of yourself and your baby, you may have postpartum depression.”
Thorpe’s chapter, titled Committed, begins the night she was hospitalized involuntarily and traces the path that led her there — isolation, pregnancy loss, and unprocessed grief and exhaustion — and how, through her recovery, she learned to take more time for herself and be honest and vulnerable with others when needing help.
When her child Hazel was still a baby, poems about their mother’s postpartum experience “sort of spilled out of me in a way that was surprising,” reflected Thorpe, who’s now working on a memoir about her postpartum experiences.
She described her writing process as “the less rational part of me getting more of a say,” giving her an opportunity to rethink her priorities in life. Before Thorpe’s postpartum crisis, putting time aside for her own well-being had been a challenge. During her postdoc at the University of British Columbia, Thorpe went back to work a few days after losing her first pregnancy, and she even worked during her early labour with Hazel.
“We felt really honoured to have her share her story with us,” said Oga Nwobosi, who edited Beyond Blue alongside friend Christina Myers. “It was the worst time in (Thorpe’s) life. Hers was probably one of the rawest experiences in the book. The amazing thing is, she’s bounced back.”
Nwobosi and Myers first got acquainted 18 years ago, through the Pacific Post Partum Support Society’s group meetings that they attended for years, and forged strong connections with other participants during.
“Once you do talk about it, you realize you’re not alone,” Nwobosi said. “There was some of us who stayed longer than we needed to, just because it was a beautiful support system.”
Nearly two decades later, they’ve published their book with contributions by some of the same women they first met in that room.
“These women wanted to share (their experiences) in order to help other women,” Nwobosi continued, adding it chronicles the “full spectrum of emotions” mothers may experience during postpartum depression.
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At the book’s Oct. 18 launch in Vancouver at the Canadian Memorial Centre for Peace, where Thorpe read from her chapter, Hazel, now in Grade 10 at Revelstoke Secondary School, sat listening in the audience.
While some of the contributors Thorpe met that night hadn’t yet told their children about their postpartum struggles, “Hazel has known this story their whole life,” she said.
Nwobosi said her and Myers’ latest reading at Port Coquitlam’s Western Sky Books received a very supportive crowd, and they hope to take Beyond Blue on the road across Canada.
“This book is that shoutout to other mothers,” Nwobosi said, adding it’s also meant for a much wider audience — partners, siblings, friends and everyone else. “It’s not a light read, this book, but it’s an important read.”
Going forward, Thorpe said it’s important women have the space to talk about their postpartum shame and suffering. For her, speaking out changed everything.
“I emerged from this crisis a different person, and I like this version of myself so much better,” she writes in her essay. “This me is calmer and happier and present. In this way, losing my mind is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”