Welcome to Say What?, our recurring columnist duel wherein important issues are debated and petty scores get settled.
In today’s edition, reporters Tom Zytaruk and Tricia Leslie face off over the important question: Reindeer or elves?
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TOM ZYTARUK: REINDEER RULE
Reindeers are real, elves aren’t. There, I won.
But just for argument’s sake, let’s suspend our disbelief, against better judgment, and contemplate a scenario where scrawny elves and robust flying red-nosed reindeers – which some might argue don’t really exist, but let’s imagine they do – become the subject of a ridiculous yet thoroughly unnecessary debate.
Christmas is approaching, and everyone knows Rudolf and his pals will be shuttling Santa around the globe, no matter the weather, to bring toys and joy to all fine children world-wide. Unlike Santa’s reindeers, or fairies, elves can’t fly, even in make-belief. And that’s bogus.
What are elves good for anyway, making toys? Just get dwarves to do it. Elves are replaceable. Dwarves are certainly more industrious and far less annoying. Not to mention, ever heard of Santa bringing an elf along on his most-important yearly flying sleigh ride? Of course not. I mean, who needs all that nonsensical chatter and banal gibberish at thirty thousand feet, when you’ve got a job to do?
Not Santa, that’s for sure. And I hear tell Santa’s elves dine almost exclusively on candy canes, syrup and candy corn. Imagine their teeth – the horror! Imagine the foul breath from all that tooth decay? Could render Santa unconscious if he got a whiff of that stuff, and Santa knows better than to risk crashing to earth because of some bonehead elf’s halitosis.
Reindeers are much better company, anyway. No utility to elves whatsoever. I mean, if push came to shove, you can eat a reindeer. Can’t eat an elf, even if they were real – which they are not. That’d be sick-o.
Besides, an elf would probably stick you with an arrow or something before you could get your bib on and chuck ’em into a pot.
Anyway, back to reality. Reindeers, in real life, are indisputably important to Finland’s tourism industry. If you decide to go there, you can see a real reindeer, in real life. Who wouldn’t groove on that? Conversely, go out scouting for an elf in a snowstorm, or look in the woods for one under a toadstool or whatever, and I daresay you’ll be disappointed.
And that’s one of many, many reasons why reindeers are so entirely better than elves.
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TRICIA LESLIE: ELVES ARE BETTER
There’s nothing like the magic of Christmas.
Santa and his elves, their workshop, and flying reindeer leading his sleigh around the world each Christmas, delivering gifts to all of the good children around the globe.
Some might say that elves aren’t real — or flying reindeer, for that matter — but where’s the fun in that?
I mean, Santa is the OG elf himself, with twinkling eyes, and merry dimples — a right jolly ’ol elf with a belly that shakes like a bowlful of jelly. I would never be someone to suggest that Santa isn’t real — we all know those people wake up to lumps of coal in their stockings on Christmas morning.
Reindeer, on the other hand, are known to be smelly and, most would agree, stubborn or even surly creatures.
Elves, like people, smell better than reindeer, which we know from a song in Frozen, and also build all the best toys for youngsters all over the world at lightning speed, all year ’round.
Reindeer only work in December. And you can’t build toys with hooves.
Elves love smiling, have sweet tooths, some have silver sparkles, and they’ve also been known to fly with the help of jet packs.
Who else would keep Santa’s sleigh in tip-top shape if not elves?
There’s also elves in popular fiction, but how many people write books about reindeer?
Not nearly as many who write about elves.
Tolkien even created an entire elvish language for his many books about elves, who are always on the side of all that is good and kind.
Elves also don’t poop in mid-air (at least, we hope) and are, generally, tiny in stature and unthreatening, where a full-grown male reindeer can weigh upwards of 500 pounds, and even a small adult reindeer can knock down or crush a person.
Reindeer are also tasty. Reindeer steak is a lean and flavourful game meat popular in Nordic countries, and I hear there’s some great recipes for reindeer ragout.
However, with rumours of a mad reindeer disease causing unruly reindeer behaviour swirling around at the North Pole, it may be best to stay as far away from reindeer as possible this holiday season, and stick with the safety of elves.
Reindeer rage is real. And it’s ugly.
Elves, on the other hand, always have your back, especially when the snowballs fly.
Tom Zytaruk writes for the Surrey Now-Leader and Tricia Leslie writes for the Peace Arch News. Got an opinion about this debate or an idea for a future column? Email newsroom@surreynowleader.com or newsroom@peacearchnews.com